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Time, Place, and Manner

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Captain Contest

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Here's a picture. You know how caption contests work. Get going.

But first, a tiny bit of back story. This image is from the ABA website. We also already have in hand the winning caption, provided by the ABA itself which we'll post tomorrow, but we're going to give the rest of you shlubs a chance to play.

When you play the game of TV time slots, you watch live, or you DVR

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Maybe your Sunday evening doesn’t revolve around TV scheduling, in which case, congratulations on your exciting and fulfilling life. If you’re like at least half of the ConDaily staff, though, it does, and last night presented a bit of a dilemma: watch the AMC premiere of Mad Men at 9ET/8CT, or watch the second episode of Game of Thrones on HBO at the same time?

If you’re like us, you decided to watch Mad Men first. Both HBO and AMC had a night of back-to-back encores planned, but Mad Men had a two-hour time slot, so going to Game of Thrones first would mean an hour break between show. Or waiting an hour and catching the second Game of Thrones and immediately going in to Mad Men, but why would you want to delay your happiness by an hour? Mad Men then immediately Game of Thrones was the clear decision. Except that Mad Men wasn’t a 2 hour premiere. It was a 2 hour and 8 minute premiere. Thanks for the heads up on that, AMC. Oh wait, you didn’t give us one. Sure, there’s the actual time listed in the digital cable guide, but this is news worthy of a smart phone app blast. I didn’t realize that the episode had gone 8 minutes over until you saw the credits and looked at the clock to see if you had time for a potty break before switching to GoT. This is what I get for having blind faith in television producers staying in their projected time slots.

Is 8 minutes really that big of a deal? You tell us. A lot can happen in that time. You can commit adultery (Don Draper), bang a prostitute (Tyrion Lannister), do 8 minute abs (maybe Namby?), and be more or less done making box mac and cheese (all the rest of us, and the ATL staff, and pretty much every under-employed legal type).

And so I missed the first 8 minutes of GoT. Sure, if we were real upset about it, we could’ve waited ‘til the next showing, or gotten on HBO Go, or On Demand, or begged someone to tell us what happened. (As an aside, I still haven’t seen it, so that tells you how eager I am, and by extension how upset I was).

But, let’s assume, for the sake of argument, that AMC had given us (and HBO) a heads up about this running over thing. What if they called up HBO and were all, “Hey, could you delay GoT a few minutes? We’re running a little long on this premiere of Mad Men.” And HBO could’ve been all like, “Yeah sure, AMC. We know that there’s a lot of overlap in our audiences (the people who care about good TV audience), and this is a small concession to make in order to let everyone watch both shows without a stupid one hour break in the middle or delaying the whole 188 minute TV marathon by an hour.”

And because this hypothetical is already ridiculous, picture it ending with the douchiest characters from each show high-fiving: Theon Greyjoy and Pete Campbell. (Spoiler alert: this joke is much funnier if you’ve seen the latest GoT.)

Jumping into the legal analysis, this agree is, on its face, anti-competitive. As in “hey, let’s not compete over this chunk of time.” Anti-competitive collusion usually happens at the expense of the consumer and to the benefit of the business. But in this instance, if the networks had “colluded,” then everyone’s happy. The fans see all of each episode, so they’re happy, which (should) make the networks happy, and would certainly make advertisers in those last 8 minutes of Mad Men happy to not have a chunk of their audience switch over to HBO.

HBO doesn’t have much incentive to cooperate, but maybe AMC agrees to pay a portion of the last block of advertising money, or HBO just puts up a message saying “Game of Thrones has been delayed a few minutes while we wait for viewers to join us from Mad Men” and gains a lot of good will. Even viewers who don’t watch Mad Men will appreciate the gesture, and HBO can just run some filler, like cast interviews they’ve already taped, or run a promo for Louis CK’s new special.

Or even better, we could take our legally dubious collusion to the next level and send the Game of Thrones staff over to Mad Men and help them find 8 minutes to cut, because good lord that episode was slow. Maybe trim a few seconds off each of the close-ups showing Don looking—yet again—constipated? How about losing the entire thing with the wedding and the lighter? Maybe the photo shoot? The goulash? So many things. In the entire 2+ hours, Mad Men packed in about 3 moments of interest. The best thing the episode had going for it was getting all the disappointment out in one evening instead of ruining next Sunday as well. But nope, that didn’t happen, and instead we didn’t just get a poorly paced episode of Mad Men and a conflict of Game of Thrones, but I also got stuck with an assignment from BL1Y to analyze whether antitrust laws would prevent two networks from coordinating their scheduling. Thanks a lot everyone. I hope you get [spoilered] just like [spoiler] does to [spoiler] during [spoiler]’s [spoiler].

Does Ken Cuccinelli Sodomize His Wife?

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Virginia's Republican Attorney General Ken Cuccinelli is pushing for what has to be an extremely unpopular law: the re-criminalization of sodomy. That's right, no blowjobs or buttsex. Why? Probably because he thinks that those things are totally gay and only gay people do them and bad gay bad.

What he doesn't realize is that a lot of straight couples engage in the same activities. Actually, he probably does realize it, but knows that the law would be selectively enforced against gay couples, and is essentially a backdoor into criminalizing homosexuality.

Virginia's anti-sodomy law was struck down earlier this month in a 2-1 decision by the 4th Circuit, and Cuccinelli is seeking an en banc review of that decision. As abhorrent as anti-sodomy laws are, and as settled as Lawrence v. Texas is, Judge Diaz's dissent may hold water:

The majority grants MacDonald federal habeas relief on the basis that the Virginia anti-sodomy provision facially violates the Due Process Clause. The Virginia Court of Appeals, citing its own precedent, concluded that Lawrence did not facially invalidate all sodomy statutes, but rather only the application of such statutes to private, consensual sexual activity among adults. Accordingly, the Virginia Court of Appeals concluded that the Virginia anti-sodomy provision was constitutional as applied to MacDonald because his sexual conduct involved a minor. [Internal citations omitted; get the opinion here.]

And then there's some stuff about how he may be wrong, and the Supreme Court can smack Virginia around, but that the 4th Circuit should defer to the Virginia Court of Appeals on a matter of state law:

If a federal court is to grant a writ of habeas corpus to a state prisoner incarcerated under Virginia law, it needs to be more than "confident" that the underlying criminal conviction violates the Constitution. The foundation for the issuance of the writ requires a certainty, not just a likelihood, that a state court ruling "reached a decision contrary to clearly established federal law." Unlike the majority, the district court here remained faithful to that distinction in declining to issue the writ.

Obviously someone is wrong here, as is necessarily true every time there's a dissent. And, we're not going to dig into the law to try to figure out who's right. That's what SCOTUS is for. And then SCOTUSBlog to tell us what SCOTUS said. We're also not going to guess at the judge's motivations. Could he be secretly homophobic and dissent out of prejudice? Sure. But he is at least presenting a viable legal argument. Likewise the majority could be influenced by bias, or could be following what they genuinely believe to be the law.

But we will speculate about Ken Cuccinelli. There's a good chance he's had a little bit of sodomy at some time. And maybe it was a bad experience for him. In fact, it's quite likely it was a bad experience for him, because anyone who's ever followed the story of an ardent anti-gay advocate knows how the story always ends. Ken Cuccinelli is probably gay.

That makes it a little bit tougher to drop the hammer on him. His anti-gay campaigning is probably a manifestation of his own internal struggle. Most people don't feel that strongly about gays, even your typical redneck who will agree with the most homophobic stuff you can think of at the end of the day really doesn't care. The people who do care are the ones fighting their nature because for them homosexuality is an issue that dominates their own lives, and so they think the rest of the world is as concerned as they are. If I, a straight man, want to suck Governor McDonnell's dick so bad, the gay agenda must be dangerously close to corrupting everyone!

We have convincing evidence this lawyer is a dick

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Step 1: Take a pic of your dick.

Step 2: Put that pic in an inbox.

Step 3: Regret.

We’ve all heard about the “problem” and “dangers” of sexting, we’ve seen the Law and Order episodes, we’ve seen someone’s personal dirty pic to their then-partner became very public very quickly after a breakup. This year has been no stranger to weird legal sex cases, from judges sexting on the bench to defense attorneys banging clients and then billing them for that time. But we haven’t seen anything quite like this.

We’d like to introduce to Dwayne Beck, the inspiration behind this headline, “Lawyer Asks Judge to Seal Photo of His Penis from the Public Record.”

Beck is an Orange County attorney charged with sexual battery, assault and five other charges. While we don’t know what those other five charges are, and we’re not interested enough to pay to find out, if you are, click here and search by name. You’re welcome.

The alleged victim in this case filed suit as Jane Doe. According to her complaint, she is a translator and interpreter for a legal service and worked with Beck, although it’s not clear for how long or on how many occasions. The complaint alleges that Beck repeatedly propositioned Doe, brushed against her, asked to take pictures of her breasts, and blocked her from leaving a room while he had an erection. The exit-blocking incident ended with Beck texting Doe a photo of his penis.

But that’s just the tip of the story. When she filed suit, she went balls to the wall. Taking no chances that the complaint would contain insufficient allegations and be prematurely dismissed, Doe included the offending photo.

Before anyone gets offended by us making a joke of sexual harassment. We’re not. Sexual harassment is a serious issue and should be treated as such. But the guy sending dick pics? He’s fair game. And since he seems to have been struggling with the concept of rejection, we’re giving our kudos to Miss Doe for sending the most unambiguous rejection we can think of, suing someone and putting a picture of their dick into the public record.

While Beck apparently had no problem sending a picture of his penis to someone he knew (or at least should have known) did not want to see it, he apparently does have a problem with that same photo being viewable by people who do want to see it (at least, by way of public record). Beck admitted in an ex parte application to seal the complaint that the dick in the pic is indeed his.

In addition, Beck argued last week that: (1) Doe should have to reveal her name for the record; (2) Beck should get to change his name in the case to John Doe; and (3) the entire complaint should be sealed. You’re probably as shocked as we were that Beck went 0 for 3 on those arguments. He did get a small concession, in that the judge did allow the dick pic to be sealed.

We can only assume this incident will put Beck in front the California Attorney Disciplinary System, sooner or later. In between now and then, we can’t help but wonder if Beck will try to use this dick-pic-as-public-record thing as the basis for a sexual harassment case against Jane Doe. That just seems like the kind of thing you could expect from a middle-aged dude who hasn’t realized that no one really wants to open their inbox and see that. Dick in the box didn’t even end well for JT, guys. It won’t end well for you either.

Page 16 of 342

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