The recession may be officially over, but that just means the economy has stopped its downward spiral. The recovery has yet to come into effect, meaning the shitty economy is simply the new normal. Navigating these troubled times can be tough, so here is a twelve step drinking program to help you get through it. Remember folks, if you think there's a light at the end of the tunnel, it's because you're not yet drinking in the dark.
1. Hate Your Job – Three martinis consumed at happy hour on a Wednesday.
2. Hate Your Boss – Four fingers of Scotch consumed at your desk at midnight on a Tuesday.
3. Really Hate Your Boss – Fifth of Scotch consumed at your desk at midnight on a Saturday.
4. Hate Your Layoff – Three margaritas consumed as your lunch on any day.
5. Nostalgia – Place mint, lemon slice, and 1 tablespoon of simple syrup in a shaker and muddle. Add ice, 3 ounces Maker’s Mark, 6 ounces unsweetened iced tea. Shake, pour into mason jar, and drink.
6. Drowning Memories – Put ice in glass, add 4 ounces Wild Turkey 101, 5 ounces sweetened ice tea, and a dash of peppermint schnapps. Drink. Drink more.
7. Double Double Double Double – Pour 2 ounces Scotch into glass. Add 2 more ounces. That’s one Double. Pour 2 ounces Scotch into another glass. Add 2 more ounces to second glass. That’s another Double. Add second glass to first glass. That’s a Double Double. Drink. Go to In-and-Out Burger, eat a Double Double so you don’t die.
8. Wake Up and Get Drunk All Over Again – Wake up, take orange Gatorade out of fridge, drinks enough to quench immediate thirst. Add 2-5 ounces (to taste) of Jose Cuervo. Shake. Drink. Play Halo ODST. Wish you could just drive around the city and enjoy the music without having to fight stupid Covenant.
9. Oh Shut Up, They’re Good Calories – Shake 5 ounces cheapass vodka until frosty enough to stomach, strain into glass. Add 8 ounces chocolate soy milk. Consider stirring. Drink.
10. Screw It, You Don’t Need to Fit In To Your Suit Again Anyways – Put Jack Daniels into the freezer yesterday. Take it out today. Mix 4 ounces Jack Daniels with 6 ounces Coke, no ice. Add heaping scoop of vanilla ice cream. Eat with spoon. Considering getting Glee on Netflix. If you drink the remaining Jack and Code without adding more ice cream, watch The Walking Dead instead.
11. I Don’t Need Friends to Have a Party – 4 ounces gold tequila, 1/2 ounce Grand Marnier, 1 Tbsp lime juice. Serve on rocks. Drink at home alone, fuck the margarita mixes at that cookie cut chain restaurant the people who would be your friends if you weren’t such a grouch are hanging out at tonight.
12. Recession Gut Punch – 6 ounces of whatever liquor you haven’t gotten to yet. 4 ounces of mixer. Flip a coin, if heads, add any sort of soda; if tails, add any sort of juice. If the resulting combination contains amaretto, sloe gin, Southern Comfort and orange juice: kill self.