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Time, Place, and Manner

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Skyrim Law School

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Last week the much hyped Elder Scrolls V: Skyrim hit the shelves of stores, and despite the incredibly buggy nature of the game and the clunky user interface, it's drawn people in. So, like any good nerds, we had to take the game and create a bunch of Skyrim Law School jokes.

But first, let's start with two from Above the Law's Elie Mystal:

After you shout, you have to sit quietly for 30 seconds.

Specializations determined by race. Cannot choose own class.


And here's ours:

Roughly half of all students live in Solitude.

Your clothes are mismatched and you haven't looked in a mirror in weeks.

Pay hundreds of gold for books that should be available for free in the college library. Cannot resell them.

Despite being nice and genuinely trying to befriend everyone you meet, if you leave your stuff lying around, someone will steal it.

Your list of things to do seems to grow every time you step out the door, and you have no idea which quests are meant to prepare you for the final exam. You're told it's more rewarding to work through the material on your own, but instead you go online for help and eventually just purchase a commercial outline to get you through the damn thing.

Dark elves like to remind you about how much everybody hates them; everyone else resents that they have a whole section of a city set aside just for them. A city which you're not even allowed to buy property in. Also, there are plenty of dark elf women, but where are the dark elf men?

Eating and sleeping are completely unnecessary, you now run completely on potions and ale to keep you alive and moving.

Camp outside a professor's office for 8 hours to get some much needed one-on-one instruction. Learn that despite his much venerated title, he doesn't actually have anything to teach you.

You need help and ask for co-counsel. Rather than being helpful, she just springs the trap you saw and evaded, and then complains about carrying your burdens.

Run around town for three years crafting and enchanting daggers to build up your skills, only to go out into the real world and learn that crafting doesn't actually help you kill dragons. Also, your level 70 speech skill is useless despite professorial insistence that shouts are very important in fighting dragons.

The latest party resulted in a drunk causing a scene, an arrest, several fights breaking out, and numerous people being sent to the hospital. You're pretty sure there aren't going to be any more parties for a while.

Advice from career services: "network" with local business owners to see if anyone has odd jobs for you to do. Although you may have wanted to earn your living in a big city like Whiterun or Markarth, you may have to move out to a rural community like Ivarstead, or help the underserved community of the Riften Ratway.

Remember, not all dragonborn necessarily want to be heroic warriors. There are many things you can do with the soul of a dragon, such as climbing down mountains, befriending animals, running really fast, and clearing clouds out of the sky.

Epic music plays, everyone around you begins running in panic. A dragon just cold called you. Time to defeat it in an epic debate.

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