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Valentine's Day Dos and Don'ts

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What not to buy your lawyer girlfriend:

Sexy underwear. Just consider the average eating habit of a lawyer during the week: bagel and cream cheese, morning latte, deli buffet or fastfood lunch, afternoon soda, take out dinner, evening latte, and then either a pint of ice cream or a couple glasses of wine to unwind and little time for exercise. Even if your lawyer girlfriend cleans up okay and isn't completely embarrassing, she isn't going to look good in lingerie. Your gift is just going to make her insecure about her figure. A good gift if you think it'll shame her into dieting and working out more, but odds are it won't. Becoming more self-conscious will just lead to her being inhibited in bed, and needing a second bowl of ice cream to bury her emotions.

What to get instead:

Candle holder for the bedroom (with candles and matches). Not only are candles and candle holders a classic romantic choice, they're also practical: everyone looks better in candle light.  Get a holder for a larger candle, not tapers. Tapers will end up on the dining table, not the bed room. Also be careful with scents. Floral and weird "fresh" scents (linen, summer breeze, etc) will end up in the bathroom. The right lighting can take 3 months of seamlessweb off your lawyer girlfriend's ass.

This won't set you back much, so you should supplement it by sending flowers, chocolates or a nice gift basket to her office. Harry and David offers a reasonably priced Valentine's Day themed tower of sweets. Something that big and showy will make her female coworkers jealous and might help the male coworkers get the hint that she's off the market.

 

What not to buy your lawyer boyfriend:

Coupons. No sex coupons, no chore coupons. No coupons for a blow job, no coupons to get out a fight, nothing. Lawyers are neurotic, stressed out, and incredibly anal when it comes to any interpretive issue. An ordinary guy is going to wonder about whether you really mean we can use them at any time, and if you're secretly expecting something in return. A lawyer is going to experience the same hassle, plus the annoyance of trying to figure out exactly what your coupons mean. Does "Good for one quickie, anywhere you want," refer to location or orifice? Does "One Night of Passionate Lovemaking" mean you will provide the passion, or he's been given carte blanche? Sexy coupons basically turn Valentine's Day into an issue spotting relationship nightmare.

What to get instead:

Sexy photos. Take some NSFW pictures of yourself and send them to him embedded in an e-mail. He'll get a nice distraction from work and embedding it in an e-mail means there's no incriminating browser history or downloaded files. Go ahead and accept that he's going to show the pictures to his coworkers, because part of the gift is boosting his reputation at the office. As an added bonus to you, after he shows the pictures around, he probably won't want you to hang out with his work friends for a while. You just got yourself out of the four-hour firm banquet this summer.

If you don't have the body to pull this off, go with a bottle of nice liquor. He's going to need some booze in him if he's going to continue being in a relationship with your saggy, shapeless self. Patron XOXO Cafe is good if you want a gift with a bit of a romantic feel. If you'd rather go for effect over sappiness, pick Hendrick's.

 

What not to buy if you are a lawyer:

A puppy. You're at the office 70-100 hours a week, not including your commuting time, so you might get the boneheaded idea of giving your significant stay-at-homer (or is-home-much-more-than-you) a puppy to keep her company. First, the whole "I know I can't be there, but whatever, here's a dumb animal" idea is insulting. It insinuates that your significant other can't tell the difference between a meaningful human relationship and playing with a puppy. It's also terribly dismissive of real concerns about the health of your relationship. What's worse though is that the puppy will in fact be a better companion. She'll realize that the attention she gets from you doesn't make her feel nearly as good as what she gets from the little furball licking her face. If you're lucky, she'll take the dog with her when she leaves you. If not, then have playing "which room did the dog crap in today" when you get home.

Also, don't get expensive jewelry. Diamond earrings, gold watch, don't do it. Your boyfriend or girlfriend is probably very appreciative of the fancy lifestyle your lawyer salary pays for, and giving that up is probably the biggest hurdle they'll have to get over if they ever want to leave you. Jewelry is very easy to resell and it doesn't depreciate; if anything it gets more valuable, just look at where gold is going. Buying jewelry is like giving your loved one a blingy pile of mad money. Might as well set her up with a pension while you're at it.

Don't buy an expensive vacation either. There's a good chance your asshole boss is going to call you in to do some menial task that anyone else in the office could handle for you, but will insist that it has to be you, and it has to be done the same week your vacation was planned. Even if you're able to negotiate working from the beach, you've still ruined the trip, and just reminded your special someone of every other trip your job has ruined and date you've had to cancel.

What to buy instead:

Frankly, we're drawing a blank. Maybe there's just no gift that will make up for never being around, and when you are around, being too stressed and distracted by work to pay attention to your relationship.

...Damn, that sounds right.

Sorry, but it just looks like all you can do is count your blessings for finding someone in the first place, pray they don't leave you any time soon, and try to get a little action every now and then. Odds are your relation is on a steady slide downhill and there's nothing--

Wait...

Pregnancy.

Yeah, that fixes everything.


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