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The Tenure Paradox - Robot pimp

Slap on the Wrist for "Non-Consensual Sex" - Lampshade, Esq.

Intelligence: The Gathering - Graphic and Gratuitous

Grads are the New Illegals - Robot Pimp

Meet Entitlement Eric - Robot Pimp

Wherein I Solve World Peace - Lampshade, Esq.

A Necessary Delusion - Shadow Hand

Do you even need to shave overhead? - Lawyerlite

LSAT Jenga - Publius Picasso

Time, Place, and Manner

...Should have some links here or something.


Philadelphia Lawyer on Twitter, Vol. III

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This is a bitch of a week.  I don't have a new piece.  So I figured I'd update a series previously called, "Best of Philalawyer on Twitter."  People seem to like what I do over there, which I can't stop doing, as the damn site's addictive.  Have a thought, fire it off, get feedback... A perfect platform for an impulsive mind.


The only problem is, Twitter's a bitch to read.  So here's the third installment of the series, in linear order:

  • Where are the Wars on Great White Sharks, Falling Satellites, Blimp Accidents, and other things as likely to kill us as terrorist attacks? Mar 25, 2012 
  • The rich and the crazy have freedom of speech. The other 95% have freedom to say all but what upsets those on whom they depend for money. Mar 25, 2012 
  • What trend scares a US government economist most? A broad, long term societal shift toward valuing time above accrual of things. Mar 25, 2012 
  • The proper reply to an HR stooge demanding your Facebook login during an interview? Scattering his teeth about the room is a good start. Mar 25, 2012 
  • You have to love the people who know their employer scans Twitter: "Beautiful day! Going to church, then for a nice walk, then ice cream!" Mar 25, 2012
  • The only truly frightening enemy a man ever has is absence of immediately usable, or negotiable, resources. (By the way, gold isn't one.) Mar 25, 2012 
  • Wealth Inequality (n.) - The irrelevant stand-in argument that diverts us from discussion of the real, ugly problem: Overpopulation. Mar 24, 2012 
  • If you think Education and Healthcare have perfected gouging consumers, wait until the Elder Care industry gets its claws into baby boomers. Mar 23, 2012 
  • Wall St. hides behind unarmed civilians. "If you hurt us, you hurt the income of old pensioners, etc.!" I'm fine with taking both out. Mar 23, 2012 
  • If we're going to follow data as useless as a national housing index, why not a global one? Lump Paris in with Peoria, Banff, and Tijuana. Mar 23, 2012 
  • We'll never fix income inequality because that requires goring investors, who are 50-70% retirees who vote and can't otherwise survive. Mar 23, 2012 
  • Why do we so desperately want to believe we have control? Isn't there great promise in recognizing chance can redirect us at any moment? Mar 23, 2012 
  • Point: "US worker productivity is at an all time high!" Counterpoint: "Producing...? (Insert crickets here.)" Mar 23, 2012 
  • The best part of handheld gadgets? Being able to stare at them, thus ignoring people who'd talk to you about how awesome their new one is. Mar 23, 2012 
  • Treasury Bond (n.) - IOU of an economy of millions of marketers selling things on credit to masses of debt serfs without wages to buy them. Mar 23, 2012 
  • Abortion (n.) - Wedge issue of last resort used by desperate political consultants unable to draw useful distinctions between the parties. Mar 23, 2012 
  • The problem isn't any doubt of climate change. It's that, given we're now having Summer in the Northeast in March, people kind of like it. Mar 20, 2012 
  • No doubt many pious men sacrifice sex for Lent. And then punish their wives with severe premature ejaculation through Memorial Day. Mar 20, 2012 
  • "They're" where "their" is correct? Indecisiveness on whether to use passive or active voice. "There" where "their" is right? Brain damage. Mar 20, 2012 
  • "The Taco Bell Dorito Taco. Because there was a corner of the couch stain demographic stubbornly resistant to Type Two Diabetes." Mar 10, 2012 
  • Student lending fixed in under 30 syllables: (1) Make schools hold 20% of govt-backed loans; (2) Make loans 50% dischargeable in bankruptcy. Mar 10, 2012 
  • There is no recent crisis of "adult male immaturity." Men are natively, by design, perpetual adolescents. We just hid it better in the past. Mar 10, 2012 
  • "Baller." #WordsThatShouldHaveNeverExisted #Cringeworthy Mar 10, 2012 
  • Where do the advocates of "religious liberty" stand on Viagra? Is impotence not God's way of telling a man he shouldn't spread his seed? Mar 10, 2012 
  • A society in which the only sources of living wages are massive corporations cannot credibly describe itself as "free." Mar 10, 2012 
  • In the land of the blind, the 1-eyed man is exiled. The marketer who convinces the masses they can see, or that sight is overrated, is king. Mar 08, 2012 
  • Those that want to vent don't want their problems solved. #ThingsIHaveLearned Feb 14, 2012 
  • Why does every billionaire say his greatest achievement is his children? Perhaps 5%, maybe 10% of those egomaniacs actually believe that. Feb 14, 2012 
  • Thinking will wreck you for this society. Feb 14, 2012 
  • I hate the instants of sheer lucidity - where it's cold and shitty out and you're doing a mindless chore and it hits: "Why...? To what end?" Feb 14, 2012 
  • 90% of the difference between hot dogs and sausage: Level of grizzle. And yet the latter is held in esteem, while the former is junk food? Feb 13, 2012 
  • Only in academia would we demand children "show their work" to prepare them for jobs where they'll be judged solely on results. #Baffling Feb 13, 2012 
  • What do music business execs offer at Grammy parties in this iTunes-dominated age? Boxed White Zin and Hickory Farms hors d'oeuvres? Feb 13, 2012 
  • "RIP" while discussing the cremated seems wrong. Feb 12, 2012 
  • Do women realize when they stretch their arms over their heads while talking, pushing their chest forward, men ignore all that's being said? Feb 12, 2012 
  • In the temple of silly sophistries, the argument intolerance of intolerance is intolerance sits on a special pedestal. Feb 12, 2012 
  • TLDR (idiom) = I've the attention span of a gnat. Feb 11, 2012 
  • A homeowner who thinks he's entitled to a principle reduction to market value because of global "foreclosure abuses" deserves to lose his. Feb 10, 2012 
  • Why do Chilis and Fridays run ads touting the amount of cheese they lard on dishes? Is this an exotic commodity I can't indulge in at home? Feb 09, 2012 
  • No one has an obligation to avoid scrutinizing another's faith. Religions are made of ideas, and no idea is gifted a pass from examination. Feb 09, 2012 
  • Certain views are too absurd to deserve broad consideration. One is the argument birth control has somehow been detrimental to society. Feb 09, 2012 
  • "There is a cute chick nearby. I will now talk loudly to friends, to draw her attention." #NotGettingYouLaid #ButItIsGettingYouLaughedAt Feb 08, 2012 
  • Women in relationships "dress for other women." Single women dress for men. Feb 08, 2012 
  • Why do rich white kids love bad reggae so much? Feb 08, 2012 
  • You'll never have a longer conversation than with the earnest. Feb 08, 2012 
  • People who don't like animals go in the same bucket with people who aren't alcoholics, but still don't drink. #Suspicious Feb 08, 2012 
  • If you work in a law firm, the most competitive men you meet - guys who talk about aggressive male hobbies most - never even made a JV team. Feb 08, 2012 
  • It's impossible to know, but I'd have to guess, deep down, seventy percent of attractive women think they should be taken care of by a man. Feb 08, 2012 
  • Those bristling at criticism of Christianity with, "You'd never have the nerve to say that to Muslims!" would do better conceding the point. Feb 08, 2012 
  • "Can I get with you on that tomorrow?" No. But I may be willing to meet with you, if you promise to speak at least fourth grade English. Feb 08, 2012 
  • Romney is to 2012 as Dole was to 1996. #CannonFodder Feb 08, 2012 
  • Donuts. Never has a product with such a poor cost-benefit ratio so utterly dominated a market. Feb 07, 2012 
  • "We've hit bottom in housing!" So what? It only rises from there if we've millions of buyers who can afford a down payment. Which we don't. Feb 07, 2012 
  • What zoological illiterate came up with the "Bulls v. Bears" metaphor? Is there any place or situation on Earth where these species compete? Feb 07, 2012 
  • "Hedge Fund Carried Interest is no different than gains on investments in one's small business!" ...Except that it's gains on others' money. Feb 05, 2012 
  • The Who = Synthesizers enhancing a straightforward rock band's sound. The Killers = Synthesizers gelding, and ruining, a rock band's sound. Feb 04, 2012 
  • If you've a fragile male ego, never ask your wife where your endowment ranks among her collected partners. She'll tell you. Feb 04, 2012 
  • A guy who says he cannot stand women who smoke has no appreciation for how svelte this often keeps them. #TweetsThatWillLoseMeFollowers Feb 04, 2012 
  • Why would I follow a local car dealership on Facebook? #AreMarketersReallyThisClueless? Feb 04, 2012 
  • Few things are more frustrating than working under a corporate boss who somehow failed to grasp the essential reality It's All Just a Game. Feb 04, 2012 
  • Why are psychedelics and marijuana, both non-addictive, Schedule 1 drugs? Because they tempt users to examine absurdities in the status quo. Feb 04, 2012 
  • "Beer. It tastes great, but it never gets you as far as you want to be." Feb 04, 2012 
  • If you're not seeing a majority of the bump in employment is people cycling from good paying jobs to temp and subsistence wage work, Look. Feb 04, 2012 
  • Just think about how free you are! You can express yourself any imaginable way you like... as long as it doesn't offend those who pay you. Feb 04, 2012 
  • Why not place a huge inflatable scrotum at the base of a skyscraper for testicular cancer awareness? Folks would sure as shit remember that. Feb 03, 2012 
  • March Madness has a valid claim to national holiday status. The Super Bowl only qualifies in an achingly dull universe. Feb 03, 2012 
  • How to fleece an American? Hand him a contract more than a page long, in 12th grade prose, containing no references to reality stars. Feb 03, 2012 
  • "Which is the best judge to get in front of for this argument?!" The one who got laid before work this morning. Feb 03, 2012 
  • I love lower taxes, but for the better of the Republic, I can't help thinking it'd be a great thing if Grover Norquist were hit by a bus. Feb 03, 2012 
  • I didn't miss your text. I ignored it. You asked a complex question and expected a reply in 100 characters. Call me, or twist in the wind. Feb 02, 2012 
  • A data graph on how many attractive men vs. unattractive ones are sued for sexual harrassment for the same behaviors would upset feminists. Feb 01, 2012 
  • If you toil for a large corporation today, you're not a Capitalist. You're a Bureaucrat. Feb 01, 2012 
  • Why does every young professional male have to remind you how "competitive" he is? We all are. All you're telling me is you're clueless. Jan 31, 2012 
  • I understand a man or woman marrying for money, or security. Lots of people do so. ...People I try to socialize with as little as possible. Jan 31, 2012 
  • The best interview question for a new #Lawschool grad: "You took out $130k in loans in this legal market? How can I trust your judgment?" Jan 31, 2012 
  • "The mortgage mess was all Fannie's and Freddie's fault!" "Obama is not a US citizen!" The intelligence behind these is roughly equivalent. Jan 28, 2012 
  • Years ago, a woman told me, "If you want to continue sleeping with me, never let me see you in just socks again." This is excellent advice. Jan 28, 2012 
  • You'll get a lot more followers if you exclusively champion a left or right ideology. And almost all of them will be fools, or dullards. Jan 28, 2012 
  • A person who seriously believes businesses have a duty to create jobs should be evaluated for dementia. Jan 27, 2012 
  • The only positive "How to Motivate Employees!" advice that has ever worked in the history of mankind: "Give Them Equity, Lots of It." Jan 27, 2012 
  • "We're all wired into a survival trip now. No more of the 'Keeping up with the Joneses' that fueled the '00s." #FearAndLoathingForTheNewAge Jan 27, 2012 
  • We can fix the disequilibrium between labor and capital, or we can face a teaching moment in the axiom "hogs get fat, pigs get slaughtered." Jan 25, 2012 
  • Make no mistake. In coming years, as social unrest persists, we're going to see greater efforts to curb online freedom of speech. Jan 24, 2012 
  • Blunt unemployment numbers are meaningless. The number that matters is average wage, and its trajectory. Jan 24, 2012 
  • Unionizing here isn't going to do squat. If US unions want jobs and better pay, they should invest in organizing emerging market labor. Jan 24, 2012 
  • Refusing to play office politics or gossip will brand you arrogant. The unspoken reality is, one must lay down with dogs to succeed. #Career Jan 24, 2012 
  • The general voting public wants reinforcement, not to be reminded of its indefatigable ignorance. Jan 24, 2012 
  • If Don Draper were an actual man, alive today, he'd lose his mind. The volume of gullible rubes to be suckered would overwhelm his circuits. Jan 24, 2012 
  • Those who argue the wisdom of markets is myth are often the same people saying the US's low borrowing costs are proof we should borrow more. Jan 24, 2012 
  • 1 in 5 Americans had a mental illness last year. And you can bet your ass, 100% of that 20% will be voting this year. Jan 24, 2012 
  • No forum is less biased than the Court of Public Opinion. It's near impossible to find anyone there with even a cursory grasp of the facts. Jan 23, 2012 
  • The #Lawschool class you need to attend: The exam. Jan 23, 2012 
  • Why is it "personal lubricant"? Are there general ones? Public ones? ("Oh, that's nice lube there, Ellen!") Seems a superfluous qualifier. Jan 23, 2012 
  • There are no erotic foods. Incorporating chocolates and strawberries in sex will only enhance your spending on detergent, if not sheets. Jan 23, 2012 
  • Getting Results is great, but in a world of "personal brands" and isolated management, The Appearance You Get Results is far more important. Jan 23, 2012 
  • A society of nothing but doctors, lawyers, accountants, brokers, financiers, and gardeners has an exceedingly short life span. #TickTickTick Jan 23, 2012 
  • If you think it's all the fault of "them librrruls," or "those evil banksters," you're eating the bullshit. And you deserve to be fleeced. Jan 23, 2012 
  • Seen on Twitter: "Your going to hell." It is arguable a person this illiterate should not only be barred from tweeting, but also sterilized. Jan 22, 2012 
  • It is unwise to finish a day of martinis with a nightcap of merlot. Jan 22, 2012 
  • The One Percent isn't threatened by either the Tea Party or Occupy Wall Street. They actually encourage both. Divide = Conquer. Jan 22, 2012 
  • Law for Non-Lawyers 101: Commit nothing to email that isn't self serving. And as policy destroy completely all communications every quarter. Jan 22, 2012 
  • A man's legacy, particularly this man's, is far more than his worst mistake. Joe Paterno, 1926-2012. #RIP Jan 22, 2012 
  • Speaking with candor about almost any trend or social convention of our consumerist society renders one loathed by 70% of any gathering. Jan 19, 2012 
  • You're not anxious because of the economy. You're anxious because you leveraged yourself to a point where you can't absorb any income loss. Jan 19, 2012 
  • The first line in almost all therapy administered to upper middle class Americans should be, "Stop thinking about yourself incessantly." Jan 19, 2012 
  • Kiwi is a brilliant example of the evolutionary development of defense mechanisms. "Should I eat that testicle-like fruit? I think not." Jan 19, 2012 
  • There's little in corporate work an average monkey couldn't do with training. The competition's all in acquiring a decent slot in the game. Jan 19, 2012 
  • It doesn't give a damn about truth. Speak power to power or shut up and sit down. Jan 17, 2012 
  • The demographic swayed to purchase Coors because of a "cold-activated" can would be better served hemlock. Jan 17, 2012 
  • The immediate reply to, "The country will grow its way out of this mess"? "I'll have what he's having. Double." Jan 14, 2012 
  • Phil Collins is famous and rich and you're not. This is enough to upset any rational mind at the cruel capriciousness of the universe. Jan 13, 2012 
  • The Southern Baptist Convention won't vote for a Mormon? This is like Trekkies refusing to back a Star Wars fan. #TheLunaticsAreInTheChapel Jan 13, 2012 
  • The test of a policy prescription's quality and inherent value is how quickly it would be rejected as heresy by the GOP and Democrats. Jan 13, 2012 
  • There is no better way to prove the point than accosting someone with "So you think you're smarter than me?" Jan 12, 2012 
  • Motherf--! The "Job Creator" next door left his unicorn pen open and the damn things shit all over my lawn again. Where will my elves play? Jan 12, 2012 
  • How do business schools square "ethics" curricula with lessons on how to milk hierarchies for personal gain and play politics to succeed? Jan 12, 2012 
  • Two things nobody gives a damn about: (1) What you dreamt last night, and; (2) Your new gadget. Jan 12, 2012 
  • Twinkies have probably killed nearly as many of the health-clueless masses as cigarettes. (Somebody save Twinkies!) Jan 12, 2012 
  • Expensive Pilsner = High End White Zinfandel. Jan 12, 2012 
  • There are some who argue we aren't wired to be free, that the natural condition is for groups to follow leaders. This is malignant thinking. Jan 12, 2012 
  • "F*%k You Money" is an odd term. Wouldn't it more accurately described as "Talk to My Assistant, I Can't be Bothered Money"? Jan 11, 2012 
  • Freedom's like sex: Talked about a lot more than it's had. If you have to adhere to a "personal brand," or tribal norms, you aren't free. Jan 11, 2012 
  • The only place Malthus was wrong was his timetable. Jan 10, 2012 
  • Nobody's hiring you because of something on your Facebook page. But they sure as hell might reject you for it. Jan 10, 2012 
  • Businesses aren't hoarding cash because of uncertainty. They're hoarding because they're quite certain we're screwed. Jan 07, 2012 
  • A hundred gangsta rappers, all posturing as hard as they can, still couldn't sound as mean as Hank Williams at his nastiest Jan 07, 2012 
  • No sector of this economy has "bottomed" (particularly housing). They've all split into micro-sectors with wildly divergent trajectories. Jan 05, 2012 
  • All current risk premiums distill to these: (1) How long is the road?; (2) How heavy is the can?; and, (3) How tired is the leg? Jan 05, 2012 
  • If only the rest of the world delivered like a good whisky neat. Jan 05, 2012 
  • Chris Matthews is the classic example of all that goes wrong when a 100 IQ is allowed to assume it's 130. And given a bullhorn. Jan 04, 2012 
  • If you think Jesus is your co-pilot in the voting booth, I suggest closing your eyes, standing on the gas, and letting him steer you there. Jan 04, 2012 
  • Few kids today would dream of being President for any reason but the perks and power. No one respects the office. It's all craven theatre. Jan 04, 2012 
  • Why does the tax code still offer incentives for having children? Is Congress operating in 1925? We should encourage exactly the converse. Jan 03, 2012 
  • How nuts is it that our financial media still flogs a narrative about the middle class hoarding money, rather than not having any? #Delusion Jan 03, 2012 
  • Short Sale (n.) - A foreclosure "settlement" offered to unsophisticated borrowers who believe banks actually pursue deficiency judgments. Jan 02, 2012 
  • Why is it "Social Conservatives" perpetually fail to grasp the essential element of Conservatism: Minding one's own business? Jan 02, 2012 
  • It is, roughly, as difficult for a male to be into Coldplay as it is for a female to be into the Who. Jan 01, 2012 
  • Show me a guy claiming there's a moral duty to fulfill a contract and I'll show you a guy with no leverage, and an unenforceable agreement. Dec 30, 2011 
  • This country needs dissidents, not protesters. If you don't know the difference, Protester = Barking; Dissident = Offering a Competing Idea. Dec 30, 2011 
  • The gag reflex induced by half a bottle of Tequila has nothing on the impact of hearing, "Well, my child is 'gifted.'" #SoccerMommery Dec 30, 2011 
  • Those self help books aren't going to do jack for the 70% of people who don't know what they want. That requires a "Here's a Goal" genre. Dec 30, 2011 
  • "I'll be gone, you'll be gone" cancered Wall St. The belief "It's better to go with the flow than speak your mind" cancers all of society. Dec 29, 2011 
  • If masturbation is a sin, and mere birth confers "Original Sin," are children born via in vitro fertilization doubly guilty from the start? Dec 29, 2011 
  • Check your company Internet logs for this term: "Personal Brand." If you see anyone reading about it compulsively, fire him. #ManagementTips Dec 28, 2011

[Read more from The Philadelphia Lawyer]

Editor's Note:

Sorry for the clip show.

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