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We have convincing evidence this lawyer is a dick

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Step 1: Take a pic of your dick.

Step 2: Put that pic in an inbox.

Step 3: Regret.

We’ve all heard about the “problem” and “dangers” of sexting, we’ve seen the Law and Order episodes, we’ve seen someone’s personal dirty pic to their then-partner became very public very quickly after a breakup. This year has been no stranger to weird legal sex cases, from judges sexting on the bench to defense attorneys banging clients and then billing them for that time. But we haven’t seen anything quite like this.

We’d like to introduce to Dwayne Beck, the inspiration behind this headline, “Lawyer Asks Judge to Seal Photo of His Penis from the Public Record.”

Beck is an Orange County attorney charged with sexual battery, assault and five other charges. While we don’t know what those other five charges are, and we’re not interested enough to pay to find out, if you are, click here and search by name. You’re welcome.

The alleged victim in this case filed suit as Jane Doe. According to her complaint, she is a translator and interpreter for a legal service and worked with Beck, although it’s not clear for how long or on how many occasions. The complaint alleges that Beck repeatedly propositioned Doe, brushed against her, asked to take pictures of her breasts, and blocked her from leaving a room while he had an erection. The exit-blocking incident ended with Beck texting Doe a photo of his penis.

But that’s just the tip of the story. When she filed suit, she went balls to the wall. Taking no chances that the complaint would contain insufficient allegations and be prematurely dismissed, Doe included the offending photo.

Before anyone gets offended by us making a joke of sexual harassment. We’re not. Sexual harassment is a serious issue and should be treated as such. But the guy sending dick pics? He’s fair game. And since he seems to have been struggling with the concept of rejection, we’re giving our kudos to Miss Doe for sending the most unambiguous rejection we can think of, suing someone and putting a picture of their dick into the public record.

While Beck apparently had no problem sending a picture of his penis to someone he knew (or at least should have known) did not want to see it, he apparently does have a problem with that same photo being viewable by people who do want to see it (at least, by way of public record). Beck admitted in an ex parte application to seal the complaint that the dick in the pic is indeed his.

In addition, Beck argued last week that: (1) Doe should have to reveal her name for the record; (2) Beck should get to change his name in the case to John Doe; and (3) the entire complaint should be sealed. You’re probably as shocked as we were that Beck went 0 for 3 on those arguments. He did get a small concession, in that the judge did allow the dick pic to be sealed.

We can only assume this incident will put Beck in front the California Attorney Disciplinary System, sooner or later. In between now and then, we can’t help but wonder if Beck will try to use this dick-pic-as-public-record thing as the basis for a sexual harassment case against Jane Doe. That just seems like the kind of thing you could expect from a middle-aged dude who hasn’t realized that no one really wants to open their inbox and see that. Dick in the box didn’t even end well for JT, guys. It won’t end well for you either.

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