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Intelligence: The Gathering - Graphic and Gratuitous

Grads are the New Illegals - Robot Pimp

Meet Entitlement Eric - Robot Pimp

Wherein I Solve World Peace - Lampshade, Esq.

A Necessary Delusion - Shadow Hand

Do you even need to shave overhead? - Lawyerlite

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Time, Place, and Manner

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Wherein I Solve World Peace

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I had been writing an article title "Explain China To Me Like I'm 5," wherein I asked why China is at all supporting North Korea.

In discussions about tensions between North and South Korea, the mainstream news kept mentioning China as an obstacle to us good guys just doing what us good guys do to North Korea. The theory, according to TV's talking heads, is that China wants North Korea as a buffer between it and South Korea, because it doesn't want a US ally to have a land border.

And that's just stupid, of course, because (1) we're not going to war with China, (2) ever, and (3) if we did go to war with China which, (1) we won't, (2) ever, (3) a land border wouldn't be that useful because China would missile the shit out of anything there, and then the United States would gain complete air and sea superiority and the war would be over.

Now China's tune has changed, and they're starting to back away from supporting North Korea, because obviously protecting that border is not important enough to be worth allying with crazy North Korea. Or more likely that's always been China's position, and now they're letting people know that and the media is finally catching on.

So, now I don't need China explained to me, because it's basically what I thought.


New article: Let's solve world peace.

Uh... Not that world peace is a problem to be solved, the problem is a lack of world peace, and well, you know what I'm trying to say. No coffee, no syntax! No coffee, no syntax!

Alright, where was I? Oh, right, North Korea, world peace. Let's assume China still has some interest in there being a border state between South Korea and China, so if we wipe out the North Korean government, we need someone else to take over.

Enter the Palestinians.

The United States will threaten to attack North Korea, China will offer to send in missile batteries and all that stuff to support North Korea. The United States will say "Oh, you better not, China!" Then China says "Oh, we're gonna do it anyways!" And then China brings in its stuff, and overthrows the North Korean government, and destroys their military.

Then we give the Palestinians the country. The The Gaza Strip is 140 sq. mi., West Bank is about 2,000 sq. mi., North Korea is about 46,000, there's plenty of room for all their stuff.

The obvious objection is that the last time we took one people's homeland and carved out a piece of it for another country we ended up with Israel, and that hasn't been a boon to world peace, so why would doing the same thing in Korea work? Never fear. What made Israel so tricky is that they were given a homeland in the middle of a bunch of countries that have a historic hatred for Jews, and Israelis haven't exactly been working to win over the hearts and minds of the non-Jewish locals.

North Koreans, on the other hand probably have never heard of Palestine. These are people who think Austin, TX is a big deal. And the Palestinians shouldn't have much reason to hate North Koreans. We just lay out terms with both peoples, you'll get free trade with China, the United States, and all our allies, and in return you just have to get along with each other and not attempt to wipe anyone else off the face of the Earth. The folks from Gaza will finally get to have things like lentils and juice and concrete structures, North Koreans will finally get to have everything. Economic prosperity beyond their wildest dreams. All we need is for North Koreans to give up the second silliest dictator of all time (after Kim Jong Il, of course), and for Palestinians to give up the worst piece of real estate of all time (and their dreams of owning the second worst piece of real estate).

Come on guys, give peace a chance.

[More Lit Up from Lampshade, Esq.]

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