Starting your own solo law practice? When it comes to starting a small business, a law practice is one of the least-expensive options. A kitchen table and a day job to cover your bills is pretty much all you need, but you can forget about that day job, because with our tips to get your law practice up and running, you'll be making hundreds of dollars in no time. Some fancy lawyers will tell you that you need things like an office to meet clients and malpractice insurance for when you get sued, but while they're too busy worrying about getting dirt on their pristine white shoes, you'll be scooping up DUI and UPOCS defendants by the handful.
The following list of stuff will get you through your first year of solo practice, at least. The hardware should last you another five years, if not more. Computers? Those things last forever, plenty of lawyers are still using Windows 98. Many well respected legal giants still use pens and paper. Do you know how long paper has been around? For fucking ever! And it's still good! You think a computer is less durable than paper? No!
So buy this stuff once, never worry about it again.
You went to law school, right? Then you probably got a computer already, there you go.
You're going to need some of this MS Word stuff to write your killer legal briefs on. Luckily for you, it came on that computer you got for law school. Forget about it!
Can you say G-mail? G-mail gives you a nearly infinite amount of storage space for free. E-mail all your hot docs to yourself and there's your backup system.
What if Google loses your data?
What, you think you're better than Google? These Google guys went to fucking college for this stuff, okay? They'll back your shit up. Don't be such a know-it-all prick.
That thing in your pocket, next to all the condoms you have to carry because of the crazy tail you'll get from being the winningest lawyer around, well guess what genius, that's a fucking phone! You already have one.
You know what you call someone who has two phones? A fucking douchebag.
Don't be a fucking douchebag.
But you don't want your clients calling you at home? Get Google Voice, they'll get you another number for free and route those calls to your phone or your online voice mail. Plus, you can give it to credit card companies, so when collection calls start, you can just ditch that number and get another.
Lexis and WestLaw are expensive, but they're unnecessary. You went to law school right? What were you studying for three years? You passed the bar, you're a fucking lawyer, why should you have to spend hundreds of dollars to run a single search just to find out what you already know?
If you ever do need to learn something new, just go to the library. Is Lexis access part of law school rankings? No. Law libraries are. You think you know better than Bob Morse? No. Use your fucking law library.
Copying, Printing, Scanning, Faxing
How'd you print stuff in law school? Keep using that.
Okay, now you are going to need a scanner, but you can get one for $49.99.
Copying? Just scan and print!
Fax? The fuck is a fax? Scan and e-mail, and tell those old fogies to get out of the way, there's a new hot shot lawyer in town, and it's you.
Adding it all up
That's it! I have fucking shoes that cost more than that!
So what about the next year? Good news for you. You already have the scanner, meaning your cost of doing business is now zero. Expenses? Forget about it! Now you can spend your time pounding the pavement and talking sweet old ladies into letting you help them claim social security benefits and write their asshole children who never visit out of the will.