Oh, hello there Mr. or Mrs. Attorney, Esq. My name is Yomani bin Takin and I am contacted your firm in regards to a divorce settlement with my ex-husband Fakir who currently resides in your jurisdiction of Your State and County. I am currently on assignment in England. We had an out of court settlement in which he agreed to pay me an amount of $750,000, but has only paid $135,000. I am hereby seeking your firm to assist me in collecting the remaining balance of $615,000 from him. He has agreed to pay the balance, but I believe I need to give a portion of that amount to a firm like the Your Firm to help me collect payment from him or to litigate the matter if he fails to pay as is promised. He will almost certainly pay though, at which time you may extract your fee and wire the remaining amount to me from your bank account before discovered that the check sent by my ex-husband is counterfeit.
Okay, Lawyerlite here with an important message for all you bone heads who fall for this type of thing. Here's the message: you're a fucking moron and deserve to be ripped off.
Seriously, are you fucking kidding me? How many times does someone you've never heard of before just offer you thousands or tens of thousands of dollars simply to send a couple e-mails and collect some money for them?
Forget about it!
So genius, when you see an offer to make some quick bucks for no effort, and that offer involves paying someone a ton of money from your own bank account, maybe think to yourself "this is probably a fucking scam, I should probably not fucking do this."
How do you know it's a scam? Well, first of all, use some fucking common sense. We've got a divorce settlement for $750,000, meaning the marital estate was going to be worth in the $1-2-3 million dollar range. That's a big stinking pile of cheddar there. You think maybe, just maybe Ms. bin Takin would have hired a lawyer for that suit?
Yeah, you're God damn right she did. You think maybe that lawyer would be used to get the collections? And if not him, then someone he recommended who would have been sent a heads up that he was referring a client to you, or at the least the client would have mentioned him in the e-mail?
Couldn't be, no way. People trying to collect hundreds of thousands of dollars routinely just flip through the yellow pages and pick their attorneys at fucking random.
A bigger tip off that this is a scam is the fact that the FBI put out a news release saying this is a scam:
01/21/10—The FBI continues to receive reports of counterfeit check schemes targeting U.S. law firms. As previously reported, scammers send e-mails to lawyers, claiming to be overseas and seeking legal representation to collect delinquent payments from third parties in the U.S. The law firm receives a retainer agreement, invoices reflecting the amount owed, and a check payable to the law firm. The firm is instructed to extract the retainer fee, including any other fees associated with the transaction, and wire the remaining funds to banks in Korea, China, Ireland, or Canada. By the time the check is determined to be counterfeit, the funds have already been wired overseas.
In a new twist, the fraudulent client seeking legal representation is an ex-wife "on assignment" in an Asian country, and she claims to be pursuing a collection of divorce settlement monies from her ex-husband in the U.S. The law firm agrees to represent the ex-wife, sends an e-mail to the ex-husband, and receives a "certified" check for the settlement via delivery service. The ex-wife instructs the firm to wire the funds, less the retainer fee, to an overseas bank account. When the scam is executed successfully, the law firm wires the money before discovering the check is counterfeit.
All Internet users need to be cautious when they receive unsolicited e-mails. Law firms are advised to conduct as much due diligence as possible before engaging in transactions with parties who are handling their business solely via e-mail, particularly those parties claiming to reside overseas.
Please view an additional public service announcement posted to the IC3 website regarding a similar Asian extortion scheme. Individuals who receive information pertaining to counterfeit check schemes are encouraged to file a complaint at www.IC3.gov.
That's right, the fucking FBI, hot shot, ever heard of them? They put out this alert out over a year ago.
Okay, yeah, so maybe you didn't see it, but every single legal website, blog, and bar association newsletter pointed this scam out, and if you missed it then, every couple months or so some real smart attorney re-discovers it and posts about it on their website as if they just fucking found out something new and look how fucking smart they are for finding something that everyone has known about for a year now. Also, everyone on Lost was just in purgatory and cigarettes are fucking bad for you. Give me a fucking medal.
Completely unrelated thing right here, but do you want to see a hot pic of Ana Kournikova?
Finally, the big fucking reason you should have realized this was a scam is that you are a total moron, as evidenced by the fact that you can't recognize an obvious scam, and yet a person you don't know wants you to handle a legal dispute worth hundreds of thousands of dollars. That doesn't seem at all odd to you? Do you have no sense of what league you're even playing in?
New flash bozo, just because you jerk off to Don Draper and Ari Gold every night doesn't make you a fucking big shot. You buy your suits from a guy who guarantees how you're going to feel about them and you think Macaroni Grill is a nice night out. No one wants you to handle anything worth anything, so know your role and put your engagement letter back in your fucking drawer.