Constitutional Daily

Founding Principles

The Tenure Paradox - Robot pimp

Slap on the Wrist for "Non-Consensual Sex" - Lampshade, Esq.

Intelligence: The Gathering - Graphic and Gratuitous

Grads are the New Illegals - Robot Pimp

Meet Entitlement Eric - Robot Pimp

Wherein I Solve World Peace - Lampshade, Esq.

A Necessary Delusion - Shadow Hand

Do you even need to shave overhead? - Lawyerlite

LSAT Jenga - Publius Picasso

Time, Place, and Manner

...Should have some links here or something.


The Long Tooth of the Law

E-mail Print PDF

Your day begins when you walk into your office and there is someone sitting at your desk. You recognize the person sitting behind your desk as he is trying to use your computer's mouse as a telephone:

Hey John, how's it going? John? John!?!

Ohh... Hey. How's things?

Well, they're going alright. How about you? Everything all right?

Why do you ask?

[Awkwardly pauses] You're at my desk.


John, let me show you to your office.

Each and every day I see attorneys that are well past code date, and in my office there are no less than five of these types. When the younger attorneys in my office escape to the bar our conversations frequently cover the latest happenings with the elderly counselors and promise not to be like them when we grow up.

We don’t want to be the punch line for the new generation.

These are the attorneys that have served "the cause of justice" several days too long and are presently a menace to all of those who come in contact with them. You know type: Sporting a bitchin toupeè, on the verge of being totally senile and still being paid to perform legal services. Frankly, I think the ABA needs to get some sort of age limit passed in order to prevent the law clerks from getting the heebie-jeebies.


Just so we are clear, I'm not talking about my partner who cant figure out his blackberry or your partner that can't figure out the nuances of Google Searching. These are the types of people you will find in the hallway attempting to open the elevator door with his keycard thinking it is his office or wander into the wrong office for a conference call (like discussed above).

Certain activities and actions should automatically trigger a message to these elderly counselors at law need telling them that there services are no longer needed:


1. The bad toupee makes you look 20 years younger (but yet that only qualifies as a "fertile octogenarian"). If you are sporting the hairpiece in the first place, you are likely not a spring chicken and that's fine. But when I show up at the office and completely do not recognize you sans toupe (pronounced toop), maybe that is nature's sign that you need to be enjoying retirement instead of mistakenly hanging up on the judge's chambers.  Your hair has retired, why don't you?

2. You sleep at the office by choice. Everyday. I understand that napping at the office happens, especially when your daily schedule isn't as taxing as it used to be. But why are you sleeping at your desk? There's an attorney that I see do this and when I walk into the office in the morning, I always check to make sure that she is still alive. I don't get paid for this. AND I DIDN'T GET MEDICAL TRAINING IN LAW SCHOOL.

3. Deadlines are now on your schedule (with a motion for leave to file instanter attached). You've got an appeal due and you've waited to begin the research and writing process until after the deadline has passed. In order to compensate for your scheduling woes, you've demanded that your secretary work until the wee hours of the morning organizing 5 boxes of random case files. And then you make her write the brief (while you sleep at your desk).  This is malpractice waiting to happen. Please stop this.


Frankly, this entire column is a plea to you, the wise old attorney, to enter retirement. Because I don't want to be the one that finds you after you've gone to meet Judge Rehnquist at the chambers in the sky.

Please. I don't have the funds for counseling.  And if I'm late for court, I might just leave you there.

[Read more from The Namby Pamby]

blog comments powered by Disqus

Philadelphia Lawyer, Unfiltered

The finest blend of analysis, advice, and fury on the internet. Sour mash, oak barrel aged, published at cask strength.


Most Recent Article:

In Defense of Risk (Happy Fourth of July)

All Articles from The Philadelphia Lawyer

Author Profile

The Robot Pimp

An in depth look at the emerging intersection of law, behavioral economics, and robots.

Most Recent Article:

The Tenure Paradox

All Articles from The Robot Pimp

Author Profile

Practice Makes Putrid

Legal practice would be all rainbows and buttercups, if it weren't for the clients, and opposing counsel, and co-counsel, and judges, and the law.

Most Recent Article:

Eat Mor Fiv Freedums

All Articles from The Namby Pamby

Author Profile

Gin and Glannon's

As Shadow Hand suffers through law school, the rest of us get a little Schadenfreude.

Most Recent Article:

I Just Work Here

All Articles From Shadow Hand

Author Profile

Irresistible Impulse

Dr. Rob Dobrenski's daring expedition into the psychology of lawyers and the law. (Not a substitute for a life well lived.)

Most Recent Article:

You're Not a Failure, You're a Narcissist

All Articles from Dr. Rob

Author Profile

Graphic and Gratuitous

Sometimes cartoons are the highest form of communication. Those times are known as "most of the time."

Most Recent Cartoons:

Intelligence: The Gathering

All Cartoons

There And Never Back Again

Defunct Big Law attorney BL1Y shares his misadventures as a writer who accidentally went to law school.


Most Recent Article:


All Articles from BL1Y

Author Profile

Lampshade, Esquire

We're dealing with some technical difficulties here. Hold up a minute.

All Articles From Lampshade, Esq.

Staff Infections

News, humor, and other non-billables from our underpaid, uncredited, unsexy staff.


News Articles

Smaller News Bits

Large Numbers of Law

Mixed Bag of Lawesome


Scofflaw Multistate Bar Review